Cannibals, Jesus and Dead Raccoon Vagina

Have you ever been in the office and had a coworker ask a favor?  “Hey, pal! Can you tell me what brand of stapler you use?” or maybe “Hey man!  Do you think you can drop that sexual harassment lawsuit?  Your ass looks super by the way.”  Well,  I have people asking me favors too.  I don’t get asked the usual stuff though, this is how my favors tend to work out:

The other day I was inspecting a property that was under contract by a wildlife control expert I often work with.  They had a dead raccoon under their deck, nothing unusual there.  I was only there because Mr. Expert was busy. So there I am, stuffing a bloated dead raccoon into a sack, as one does.  I call Mr. Busy Pants and say “Hey, picked up a raccoon on your property, just fyi.”  To which he retorts “Can you see if it has a vagina?  If it’s a girl I need to find her babies.”

“You want me to examine 3 day old dead raccoons vagina?”


“fuck, fine.”

So I know what you are asking right now. What exactly does a dead raccoon vagina look like?  Well, It looks like this:


Frankly, that’s all I saw anyway.  My brain just kinda shuts off in moments like that and I just start drawing shit with crayons.

The next favor I was asked was to pick up some books.  You see, during a heat treatment, we warped some books belonging to a client so we had to pick them up for insurance and reimburse him for it, more on that in a bit.
Heat treatments are when we jack the temp up in your home high enough that things start dying, namely bed bugs.  It’s a very effective way to kill things, as evident with phenomena such as “fire”.


So I pick up these books, drop him off a cheque for a $1000 and guess what, the books are fine.  Well, they weren’t fine per say, they were undamaged.  The list of books this guy reads is startling. Any one of these books on their own isn’t so odd, but together they are what some would call, a gestalt.  Here is a sample:

  • 10 books about Alcoholics Anonymous
  • 5 or so about Jesus
  • 1 Depak Chopra book, about jesus
  • 3 books involving cannibalism
  • 1 cookbook


I have never really been a fan of people who pray for my soul whist eating my sole. See what I did there?  Anyway, I don’t know how I escaped last Monday without getting stabbed.  I hope the rest of the week doesn’t require body armor.  It’s summer, kevlar is stuffy.

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