Dildo Care, Scabies and You.

Today’s lesson is on sexual health.  I am not a doctor. I am not even an expert.  I do, however, get to find out about people’s strange habits in the bedroom, or kitchen, or..wherever you decide to shame your parents’ good name.

Whenever I enter a home I tell people to remove EVERYTHING they don’t want me to damage, or find.  The two things I find during treatment are drugs and dildos.  When we jack the heat up in a home to 150 plus degrees Fahrenheit, things happen, awful things, to one of these two items.

Facts about dildos:

  • They are made of plastic
  • Plastic melts
  • I use heat for work
Heat. It's hot.

Heat. It’s hot.

So, like a Salvador Dali painting the scene I often encounter is that of surrealism, art and awkwardness, mostly awkwardness.  I never really know what to tell people when I melt their dildos, so usually I don’t.

The next issue I need to address is to never, ever, ask a pest control technician something that is not pest control related.  We are not qualified to tell you why quantum physical interactions do not fit well into the standard model of the universe.  We are not qualified to tell you why The Real Housewives of Vancouver was canceled, (well, I am) and we are certainly not qualified to diagnose venereal diseases.

One day I had a fellow stay in a shitbox hotel called something that rhymes with cobalt. Okay it was the Cobalt hotel.  Anyway, this fellow claimed he was eaten alive by bed bugs and asked that we cryonite his belongings.  What is cryonite you ask? Just stare at this picture and it will give you a sense of how it works:

cryonite: exactly like this but with less ghosts

cryonite: exactly like this but with less ghosts

Days later he calls me up while I am driving with my wife in the car.  I put him on speaker phone because I believe in safety.  He tells me he went to the doctor and it turns out he never had bed bugs at all.  “FANTASTIC!” I exclaim.

“It’s scabies.” he replies.

“FANTASTIC!” I exclaim.

This is when he asks me a question neither I, nor my wife was prepared to hear.

“So…when can I have sex again?”

Yup.  He just called up his local pest control agent and asked when it was safe to have sex again after contracting scabies from a hooker he picked up after a night at the Cobalt.  After my wife choked on her own tongue I had to explain to him that I was not qualified to answer that question unless he, or the prostitute, sprouted six legs and began reproducing asexually.

I should have simply responded “Never.”  That would have been the best answer for the entire human race.

So kids, put your dildos and drugs away and if shit gets real in your life and you end up with a 3 pound alien tick sucking on your balls, as interesting as that actually is, ask a doctor, not the bug guy.

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