Eat as Many Roses as You Like. Your Shit Still Stinks.


I see it every day.  I see people who are Earth loving, health conscious and Eco-friendly.  I see people who have tapped into their inner zen and know all to well that “Ohm” is a three syllable word.  I see those who can see my aura,  who’s third eye is stares deep into the loving depths of the human spirit.  I see the people who swim with dolphins and suckle from the gentle bosom of mother earth and return her generous bounty with the respect and dignity she so deserves.  For the nature goddess has given us life and there are few of us that have the conviction to live in harmony with her and truly embrace a symbiotic oneness with all the life energies that permeate our surroundings.

…until they have pests then it’s  “KILL IT WITH FIRE!

It blows my mind how quickly one’s convictions count for shit when we are invaded.  I have been yelled at to get my death machine out of peoples’ neighborhoods.  I have been lectured about how I am giving everyone cancer (Sorry Michael Douglas).  But, when push comes to shove everyone seems to be really keen on the shoving part.  The best way to explain this is for you to watch the Walking Dead.  Replace the zombies with bed bugs, rats, mice or hipsters, whatever pest ails you.  Then you end up being this guy:


Stand still. There's a mosquito on your forehead

Stand still. There’s a mosquito on your forehead

The truth of the matter is that you fought long and hard for the right to raise chickens in your backyard, well now you can.  With those chickens you also get rats.  With those rats you also get fleas.  With the fleas you flea circuses and circuses of any kind of awful.  Do you see where this is going?  By ignoring our own actions that brought bugs and rodents into our homes we cause the very issues we are burdened with and then I will be branded Satan’s death merchant for responding.  You don’t like food preservatives? That’s fine, but enjoy your flour beetles and Indian Meal Moths.  You refuse to put a lid on your garbage or simply just be sanitary? Great, enjoy your mice, rats and hipsters.

The point I am trying to make here is that we all seem to love to pat ourselves on the back for being “environmentally friendly” but hate dealing with the consequences.  It’s when these consequences bite us in the ass, often literally, that I am called.  I will admit though, like a hired killer to do the dirty work, I don’t mind.  I don’t mind the ridicule or to be branded a villain by many.  Truth be told, people like a villain.  In the end I am perfectly aware that I am here for your health and well being as well, kale and I are tight like that.

You see us as this:

Nice kill bro

Nice kill bro

I see us as this:

Problem = Solved

Problem = Solved

In the end you don’t have rat bite fever or the plague.

You are welcome.

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