a dickhead

a dickhead

So, this had been an incredibly boring 7 days.  I have been struggling with finding subject matter to entertain you all with this week.  That is until  my last call on Friday, today.  Yes Friday, the new Monday.  I went through this week without a scratch, Scott free if you will.  I strode through the doldrums with nary a breeze at my back knowing that Saturday I would attend the nuptials of a long time friend.  I would sit back with a slight tear in my eye as my inner manliness sucked it back up into my tear duct where I store bullets, motor oil and porno magazines.

Then came 4:30 pm.  A 90 year old woman asked me to handle a tiny little wasp nest.  It was almost cute. I would almost feel bad about killing it if I was one of those people who had legitimate emotions.  So without incident, I helped out a little old lady who had been stung walking in her garden.  I took a few steps back to admire my work and bumped into a dead, hollow tree.

From this tree the fury of hell was unleashed upon me.  I had no protection on and I was now in a cloud of wasps.  I did what any self respecting professional would have done, I flailed my arms, screamed and uttered unimaginable profanity.  Once I was at a safe distance I turned around to take a peak at the “what the figgity fuck?” that just occurred.  I was stung instantly, once.  Where you ask?:


So here I sit,  like a victim of a stroke (maybe a root canal?) and drool over my keyboard trying my best to make an angry face but I simply can’t.  I was stung right at the intersection of beard and mustache and it hurts like hell.  Mostly the pain is my pride and ego.  I know what you’re saying, “Suck it up buttercup!” or “Why weren’t you wearing a bee suite?”  but to that I retort:

Nuh uh! You don't!

Nuh uh! You don’t!

So now as a matter of honor I have to take the mafia approach.  You sting me and now I have to kill your whole family.  The day before I have to go to A FUCKING WEDDING!  I’m going to be that guy in the back cheering on the bride and groom, wishing I was my suave debonair self but instead I’ll look like this guy in a suite:



So this where I tell you why wasps are all pieces of shit.  They are terrible creatures, I would like to take my most ignorant stance and argue that they are the most useless insect in the environment. They don’t pollinate, they kill people, they eat your bacon and they will sting simply out of spite, not even self defense.  They aren’t even a a solid link in the food chain because nothing really eats them, except birds, when they are dead, which is also why I kill them.

They come at you angry as hell and they saunter away with a shit eating grin on their face.  If they were human, they’d be this guy:

Smug jerkface!

Smug jerkface!


So I know what you are thinking,  that people get stung every day and don’t whine this much so why are you so angry?


Your damn right I am

Your damn right I am

Oh, and just as finished this a woodpecker flew into our window.  Fuck you too mother nature.



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