The Worst Kind of Customer

I find myself pretty frustrated throughout a day of work sometimes and I generally need to take a step back and meditate a bit.  Let’s face it, like a proctologist, I see a lot of assholes.

This is just a quick recap of the type of people who are generally worse than the pests they ask me to remove:

1. Truck Drivers

My view this morning. FML.

My view this morning. FML.

2. Internet junkies.  I say junkies because this customer often says things like “I know I shouldn’t look up all my info on the net because it will just freak me out but, I did and now I’m freaked out.  Is is true silverfish sprout wings and lay dinosaur eggs in your nostrils?”

Thanks internet, you dick.


3.  The ethically superior .  This person usually asks me not to kill the problem, or use pesticides which begs the question; why they called me in the first place?  The answer is because they DO need me and DO need the problem removed, with pesticides.  They then lecture and judge me until I’m blue in the face because that makes them feel better.   It’s like hiring an assassin to kill your neighbor and then lecturing him on how horrible a person he is to be in such an occupation.  This happens EVERY DAY.  I end up doing this as soon as you open your mouth:

WHAT?! I can't hear you over my bloating awesome dance!

WHAT?! I can’t hear you over my bloating awesome dance!

4. Dealers.  Not drug dealers, they are great, always pay with cash.  I’m talking about the guys who wait until you are already finished the job to start haggling the price regardless of the quote they were given before hand.  If this is you be warned, don’t ever piss off the guy who handles your food or gets rid of your bed bugs.  When your bill is due, make in rain.

Fuck. Being a gumball machine looks awesome.

Fuck. Being a gumball machine looks awesome.

5. No concept of safety.  When I insist on a vacate period for a treatment, it’s not only a good idea, it’s the law.  You don’t see me suiting up in hazmat gear because I’m getting ready to pet your cat.  It’s because I don’t want  bleeding lungs and tumors later. It kills the romance with my wife.  Do not stick around to make sure I’m doing a good job. Do not point out all the areas I should spray,  you honestly don’t have a clue.  So if I look like the picture below, GET THE FUCK OUT!  Please and thanks.


6. Mothers who can’t control their children or pets.  They bite, they scratch, they shit on the floor and chase me out of the back yard, and then there are the dogs.  The dogs for the most part are great but they don’t know any better so when they are sniffing my shoes while I spray, that is a problem.

I had a child fling shit at me once. Shit. He flung it. Right at me. SHIT! Flying through the air like a scud missile.  Thank god this kid was a terrible shot or this would have happened:

Don't make me a parent. You wouldn't like me when I'm a parent.

Don’t. Fling. Poo.

Lets face it.  All of these could fit under one “Asshole” category. We all hate assholes.  I am sure there are people that think I am an asshole and hate me equally as much. To that I say:



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